by Kristin Hodnett
We make jokes about the sudden role reversal the COVID-19 pandemic has brought to the generations; kids are now the ones yelling at their parents to stay at home. All jokes aside, this is the latest in a growing trend. As the large generation we call baby boomers reaches advanced ages, the children have now become the parents. The current pandemic is another sign of the times.
Suddenly, we find ourselves thrown into a cyclone. The ones we’ve always turned to for guidance and advice are now depending on us. Who does that leave us to turn to now?
The world has not prepared us for this and few of us get a warning. Some of us are established in our careers, some are even younger and just starting out. Some own their own homes, some share a rented apartment with three others. Some of us are raising children at the same time. Many of us are still complaining about learning to “adult”.
College doesn’t prepare you for this; even raising your own children doesn’t begin to equip you for the Benjamin Button-esque situation of raising our parents. We’re reluctant to take control and they’re stubborn to let go of it. Their pride and ego are bruised and it rips away our sense of safety and security. Families are divided as some step up and some step out. Factor in the complex nature of the modern family with divorces and remarriages and imagine how drastically this changes the landscape. Think of smaller families, of only children or as happened in my situation, taking care of multiple generations.
The tasks of the caregiver range from tedious to degrading for the elder and awkward for the child. There are all the moving legal pieces and papers to sign. Agreements need to be put in place within the family. We must make difficult decisions about living arrangements; there’s not always a multitude of options. We risk exposing decades of family financial secrets as we learn what we really have to work with and hope it matches what we realistically need to care for our loved one with dignity. Balancing work and not neglecting your own children is a common issue for most under normal circumstances. Now you’re praying that your company is understanding so you don’t have to choose between your job and caring for your loved one. How can you even provide care without an income? Worse, there are things you never dreamed of facing, like blending your grandmother’s food to feed her through a straw or changing your grandfather’s diaper while he lies helpless in bed.
It’s not just children finding themselves in this situation. It’s grandchildren, it’s younger siblings; it can be anyone depending on your family dynamic. I know now I’m not alone in this. According to AARP, 40 million people in the United States are unpaid family caregivers. 25% of these are millennials, meaning at most they’re 38 years old. Over 50% of those are minorities. Studies from the American Psychological Association show an astonishing 53–68% of those caregivers are female.
Your universe turns upside down and everything becomes electrically charged. There is no guidebook to turn to. It’s rarely discussed among friends, no trading of tips like parenting or recipes. There’s no Insta-guru to follow, and I’ve yet to find a caregiving for dummies book to teach you how to handle the physical, emotional, time, energy and financial demands on unpaid family caregivers. You think you’re the only one dealing with this; you feel all alone. Your self care, your mental health, your boundaries and normalcy slip away until you no longer recognize yourself or your life. You’re running on empty and overcome with guilt, constantly questioning if you’re doing enough or even the right things for the people who raised, sheltered, loved and protected you.
I’m not complaining. In fact, I’m honored. My grandpa taught me strength, the value of education and the importance of taking care of family. I don’t regret spending every weekend taking care of him while starting my career after college; I consider myself blessed to be able to be there for him and ease the load of my other family members. My grandmother made sure I had the best clothes with a back to school shopping spree every year and taught me you’d always feel better if you got up, got dressed and looked your best. My life had changed by the time she needed care and outside demands didn’t allow me to be there as much, but I did the best I could to for her and my family supporting her. My aunt drove me to and from summer camp every day after my parents’ divorce so I’d have time with friends and adventures instead of being home alone. Even at her younger age her condition was much more complex than either grandparent, but I was at least old enough when it was her turn to know what questions to ask the doctors, how to research treatments and facilities or to be the stand in when my mom and her sister couldn’t take it anymore. I don’t regret a second of it.
I wish I could say it gets easier each time; the truth is it doesn’t. It’s nothing like riding a bike, although you forget nothing and falling really hurts, but it doesn’t get easier with practice and you don’t instinctively remember what to do. I imagine back to a time when multiple generations lived under one roof and think about what a comfort and relief this would have been. I remember the saying it takes a village and think how helpful that would be. A burden shared is a lightened load.
I know it’s not over for me. My own parents are getting older. I’m not just an only child but a child of divorce. There’s very few of us left on my mom’s side. My great uncle is 86 years old and has only me and his two nieces on this side of the county. The worst is still ahead. It won’t be any easier because I’ve been through it before.
It’s these experiences and these statistics that make me proud to be a part of I Ally, Inc., a newly launched organization founded by Lucinda Koza, one of these female caregivers who recognized the incredible need after her own experience. We’re dedicated and passionate in our mission to advocate for these previously marginalized caregivers and provide them with support and resources to help them continue to live their life, their patients to have the best care possible and everyone to keep a shred of sanity. The need is incredible, but we believe this community can and will lift each other up.
This is a crisis. If you have yet to experience this yourself, I can almost guarantee that someone you know and love has. It was one before the coronavirus pandemic, which will only exacerbate it. It will continue to be one after. But it is one we can improve, and one that we need to address now. We have heard the call and we are here to answer it.
