written by
lucinda koza

Vanishing Act

Narrative 2 min read , April 30, 2022

Trigger warning: depression.

I’ve tried to welcome the emptiness when it comes, letting it wash over me. Allowing it to take hold of my entire being. Letting myself slip into its clutches. I do this because I have heard it’s the right thing to do. Move through the feelings rather than try to avoid them. The only way out is through, right? Just know it’s temporary. Let the pain move through you but do not hold it. It is not yours to hold.

I have yet to reap the benefits of this process, if there are any. Inside this total empty feeling is anger and resentment. I am, mostly, angry at myself. Whenever therapists have asked me about my self-esteem or if I want to harm myself I’ve always thought no, I’m fine in that area. I just feel depressed. But the part of me that doesn’t like myself is the part of me that feels this emptiness. I HATE THIS EMPTINESS. I HATE that I cannot find a way to cope with it and make it stop. I hate that I cannot be healthy. I hate that this is my fucking baseline. How can I be worth anything to myself or anyone else when I can’t do a single fucking thing but slip into despair upon the changing of a wind.

This despair is quiet. I can’t rage at the machine or sing loudly to feel better. I can’t create joy or create fun. I can’t take a step or action toward change. I’m frozen. Everything on the outside is distorted. Like the bell jar. Everything on the other side of the jar is remote, I can’t touch it. It has nothing to do with me. It has no use for me. I’m not there. I’m not here. I’m not present and I’m not anywhere. I’m floating and I hate myself for it. I hate all of the people on the other side of the jar for not being able to bring me out of it. For not being able to reach me. I’m drowning. Why can’t anyone throw me a life raft?

Why do people think relationships are static? Like if you don’t talk you can maintain some kind of status quo that will always be acceptable? Don’t people know that everyday is hard? Everyday has the challenges of the day before? The battle restarts every morning when I wake up. I can’t hold on to something that happened yesterday. It’s gone. Everyday I wonder when the emptiness will come. When it comes, I try to let it wash over me. I can’t breathe. I’m constricted. I’m not free.

I’m not free.

Lou Reed:

It might be nice to disappear/

To make a vanishing act/

To always be moving forward/

Never looking back/

It might be nice to disappear/

Float into a mist/

With a young lady on your arm/

Looking for a kiss

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